Past Profundities

You know those sticky hands you get from quarter machines? It's 95 degrees out. I won't tell you what reminded me of those.
June 30, 2010 at 4:16pm via Facebook Mobile

Sexting while driving would require three hands...
July 2, 2010 at 3:31am via Facebook Mobile

There's a white guy cutting my grass.
July 12, 2010 at 2:22pm via Facebook Mobile

I don't think I like all beef hotdogs. I want them to be made of all sorts of stuff. It's like reproduction, you want to dip from different gene pools. Just look at how beautiful mixed babies are. Yeah, as far as hot dogs go, I'd eat the mixed babies.
July 14, 2010 at 2:17pm via Facebook Mobile

You always know what you're getting when you buy oreos. You can also return them if there is something wrong with them. You never have to meet in a parking lot twenty miles away to get oreos. Oreos never try to pull you into a pyramid scheme. A fun night with oreos has never cost me more than four dollars. Oreos are not racist, anyone can eat them. Oreos don't give you herpes.
In conclusion, oreos > craigslist.

I feel like drunk motorcycle riding is a problem that could potentially solve itself.
August 19, 2010 at 9:46am via Facebook Mobile

I've never tried ecstasy but it apparently makes everything better. I can only think of two other things that can do that: bacon and msg. Anyone ever sprinkled msg on bacon and eaten it while rolling? I feel like you'd probably have to kill yourself after coming down from that. Or, you'd simply explode.
August 20, 2010 at 10:17am via Facebook Mobile

Put your phone down. Your "I drive like a Cullen" bumper sticker implies you'll be going faster than 35 in a 45. You need an "I drive like I'm texting" sticker.
August 23, 2010 at 5:24pm via Facebook Mobile ·

My wife told me my new haircut makes me look like Spock. She didn't mean it as a compliment but part of me wants to be pleased, anyway.
September 1, 2010 at 12:12pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Did I just cut off a short bus? Yes. Does that make me a bad person? Maybe. Did I have to wait while a wheelchair got lowered onto the street? Nope.
October 25, 2010 at 4:22pm via Facebook Mobile ·

We were talking about a birth control ad.
Me: 99% effective sounds great. What if you do it 100 times?
Wife: well there's only one infallible-
Me: kill her when you're done?
November 2, 2010 at 10:21pm via Facebook Mobile ·

I don't understand the existence of non bun length hot dogs.
November 10, 2010 at 5:52pm via Facebook Mobile ·

If a fork and spoon had sex, would they have sporkgasms?
December 3, 2010 at 3:56pm via Facebook Mobile ·

I wonder if I could make a batter from MSG and beer and use it to deep fry bacon.
December 3, 2010 at 3:57pm via Facebook Mobile ·

If there was a game called rock, paper, scissors, dish sponge, whisk, then whisk would beat dish sponge every time.
January 8 at 11:29am via Facebook Mobile

You know that post it commercial where it says "Just kidding. Cannot support a child."? Some people should come with that disclaimer.
January 13 at 3:56pm via Facebook Mobile ·

Did the girl smurf have a blueberry muffin?
February 4 at 10:09am via Facebook Mobile ·

Sock sizes are stupid. You can't make one sock to fit sizes 6-12 or 8-12 and expect them to actually fit properly. That just defies all rational thought.
February 15 at 6:28pm via Facebook Mobile ·

The only things separating trashy and ghetto are location and dialect.
February 26 at 1:32pm via Facebook Mobile ·

One of the voices in my head is a mime. I'm never sure if he's there.
March 26 at 9:59pm via Facebook Mobile

I feel like for many years we have been wasting time and effort with this question. The question really is: what wouldn't you do for a Klondike bar?
April 7 at 7:34pm via Facebook Mobile ·

I realized today that if I was a hundreds of years old vampire dating a high school girl, I'd probably belong on a list that prohibits me from living within a certain distance of schools and daycares.
May 13 at 12:12am via Facebook Mobile ·

Just saw a sign with a picture if a pedestrian and underneath it said "DISABLE"
I thought I was being given a command. God help the next person that tries to cross the street.
May 23 at 11:40am via Facebook Mobile ·

splashed hot water on my hand
Me: "ow fuck suck a dick you piece of shit"
Erika: "what...?"
Me: "sorry... I meant to say 'darn'"
May 24 at 11:09pm via Facebook Mobile ·

I just walked past a woman that smiled as we saw each other. Naturally, I thought I should smile back. After a moment, I realized that I never actually smiled back, only thought to. So instead of being polite I just ended up beig creepy.
June 24 at 1:27pm via Facebook Mobile ·

White people adopt Asian babies. Black people name their daughters Asia. I'm going to adopt a white baby and name her Africa.
June 30 at 10:49am via Facebook Mobile ·

People always talk about the joy of hearing a child's laughter, the sound of little feet, stuff like that. No one is ever like "having children is so great. Nothing is greater than waking up to the sound of 'daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddy daddydaddydaddydaddydaddy daddy daddy daddydaddydaddydaddy... I'm hungry.'"
July 4 at 1:44am via Facebook Mobile ·